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We’ve all been there. Swipe right on the girl of your dreams, only to get the dreaded ‘come see my private website’ message. Block. Delete. Same drill every time. Until, one day, for whatever reason, I didn’t. And it turns out it was the best decision I ever made.

You see, I thought I had my life figured out. Play with Tinder in my early 20s, repent in my mid-20s, then meet the love of my life in my late 20s the old fashioned way – at a farmer’s market. Just like everyone’s parents. But the thing is life doesn’t care about your plan. Or your tomato plants (I learned a lot of important lessons that weekend).

One May evening, amidst a particularly frantic Tinder session which left my index finger looking like I caught a sausage in a mangle, I found her. The crispy duck pancake of the Tinder buffet. ‘Congratulations! You have a new match’, said Tinder in a celebratory mood.

And what a match!

‘Ella, 23’. Tall and elegant, she was more beautiful than anyone I’d matched with before. Porcelain beautiful. Like a limited-edition Kate Upton plate. So I bucked up the courage to say hello.

‘Hey, go easy on the beauty there, beautiful,’ I quipped clumsily, ‘otherwise everyone will want some’. Because I wanted to sound flirty and funny, but I think I just got confused with some waiter waiter joke I’d heard.

What an idiot! No way this beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent woman (there was a DVD copy of Troy behind her in one picture) would respond to that.

Well, luckily, I was wrong. ‘Ella messaged you’ flirted my phone. And another! It was her! ‘Hey handsome’, she acknowledged. ‘Want to see more pictures? Come to hottinderdates.gl for more ;)’.

An unconventional chat-up line I thought. But still, how do you misread that? She was totally into me. It had taken me three dates MINIMUM to get a girl’s personal site before.

Things started slow. At first she didn’t really respond in kind to my questions. I’d ask her how she was, she’d write something unintelligible ending with ‘naughty’. I’d ask if she liked the films of Colin Farrell, she said she was ‘soooooooo’ (eight o’s) horny. I told her she had the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen. She just sent me a link which wrote off my entire computer. But I liked that about her. I didn’t care that it wasn’t conventional. Who wants ordinary? Not me. I’m used to luxury. I’ve been to three different Centre Parks.

My friends all told me it was a scam. That she was just using me for money. But hey, I told them, what’s the difference between that and any girlfriend, AM I RIGHT GUYS? …I do think she’s cloned my credit card though, so they’re not entirely wrong.

Soon I had fallen in love. I felt like I was getting to know the real her. My friends tracked her IP address and said the ‘real’ her was most likely a 46 year-old, ex-con in Guatemala. But it didn’t bother me. She could be a 48 year-old ex-con in Guatemala for all I care. I was in love regardless. 49 at a push.

I finally popped the question. ‘Will you marry me, Ella?’ She responded in that typically ‘Ella’ way, ‘I’m waiting on webcam, come join me!’ Oh Ella! You’ve made me the happiest man within a 38km radius!

That night we made love seven to eight times. People have asked me how we do this and, yes, it’s complicated, but as Jurassic Park taught us ‘nature finds a way’. People tell me I use Jurassic Park quotes to explain complicated issues too much, but to them I say ‘Rawwwwrrr, Velociraptor!’

We married in the most beautiful wedding ceremony you could imagine. Because I can’t be bothered to describe it.

That’s the thing when you meet the love of your life. All of a sudden you don’t have time for trivial things like blog entries or inoculations. You just want to spend all of your time with your beloved. And that’s what she is.

I don’t care if my friends call her ‘robobride’, ‘botface’ or ‘the old ball and robot’. She’s my bot, forever. And I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her and our baby bots (Ro-becca and Small Alan).

And if you think it’s wrong then, hey, you know which way to swipe!

Thanks to Matthew Brazier Illustration, @matthew_brazier, for the illustration